I'm not the joke!

by llewsor

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06:23
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credits

released May 20, 2016

Music by Roswell Greeniaus
Photo by Michael Bertorelli

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llewsor Toronto, Ontario

I'm very sensitive!

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Track Name: The Foundering
Don’t fight this foundering, dear
There are no closures here
No doors to shut
No sinking ship to jump

But you can swim back to me
I know you, lovely
Better than anyone
Ever will love me

Me

I will love me most
I will love me most

So here’s a toast
To the ghost I once was
Drifted from the ports to the starboards—
Albatross clown!

Bathed in my bad luck
Played up the stuck stills
Steeped under my own thumbs

Don’t fight the foundering, dear
There are no closures here
No doors to shut
When we’ve already sunk

But you can swim up to me
Drowned, eyes muddy—
I’m your friend!
Don’t forget how I loved me

Me

I will love me most
I will love me most

So here’s a toast
To the ghost I once was
Drifted from the ports to the starboards—
Albatross clown!

Plucking her own down
Having found no nest

“Don’t fight this foundering, dear”
The seabed singing near

Don’t fight this foundering, dear
There are no closures here
No doors to shut
The water’s in
And we’ve not won
Track Name: Superstore Blues
Grocery shopping by myself
I know these aisles all too well

Everyday robots
With whom I’m in tune
Synchronized swimmers
Swallowing the blues

Grocery shopping by myself
I am the island
But you are just as well

So I get a little bit sick of this
And I get a little bit overfed
I get a little bit sick of seeing
Stupid people
Making stupid choices
In their shopping carts

So I get a little bit sick of this
And I get a little bit overfed
I get a little bit sick of standing
Next to stupid people thinking
I’m not like them

Grocery shopping by your side
I shop memories to keep you alive

I know the isles, I fear them well
I may wander around and glimpse My heart upon these shelves

So I get a little bit sick of this
And I get a little bit overfed
I get a little bit sick of seeing
Stupid people making stupid choices
In their shopping carts

So I get a little bit sick of this
And I get a little bit overfed
I get a little bit sick of standing
Next to stupid people thinking
I’m not like them

So I get a little bit sick of this
And I get a little bit overfed
I get a little bit sick of seeing
Stupid people making stupid choices
In their shopping carts

So I am a little bit sick of this
And I am a little bit overfed
I am a little bit sick of standing
Next to stupid people
Thinking I’m just…
Track Name: Wallpapers
Hey, I’m tired of dying
I tire killing myself
So sick of hiding me out
In golden laurel shells

Papering up the hall
Where all the bricks stay broke
Shirk the fires to find
I’m pining past-lives’ smoke

So I harpoon swum hearts
Till the beating restarts
Resuscitate
I know I’m fixing to fade

One more time again
One more—
One more time again
Resuscitated

Red paint on rusty gates!
Pay with “potentially”s
Why heckle widow dreams?
Hide all your history!

Wallpapers by the ream
Bite till the bitter’s sweet

Hey, I’m tired of dying
My roots a million hues
I cannot be happy
Always trying to be happy—
Truth

Still I paper the hall
Where all the bricks stay broke
Shirk the fires to find
I’m pining past-lives

So I harpoon swum hearts
Till the beating restarts
Resuscitate
I know I’m fixing to fade

One more time again
One more—
One more time again
Resuscitated

Red paint on rusty gates!
Pay with “potentially”s
Why heckle widow dreams?
Hide all your history!

Red paint on rusty gates!
Pay with “potentially”s
Wallpapers by the ream
Bite till the bitter’s sweet

And I’m
Picked up, pushed out
Throwing up my throes
All my hideouts
Given into gold

Picked up, pushed out
Throwing up my throes
All of my doubts
Given into gold
Track Name: Dogs on the Subway
I feel
The shaking in my bones
The prattling along
All the senselessnesses

And now
I know I’m not alone
My talons meet your—
Pause
How are you so soft—

—ly walking on the tracks
Not thinking of him
Not with—
You don’t look back

But I still
Sharpen my eye
Sharpen my skin to keep me in
Keep you out and keep me cool
I’m slipping up as I sing:

You make me happier than
Dogs on the subway
I know we won’t
Speed underground this whole day

I still sharpen my eyes
Every time we are riding above
And when I come back to black
You’re sat beside me still

I love that

I feel;
Thinking not at all
The shaking of my bones
Breaks the elegy of thought

And now
I know I’m not alone
We are birds of a feather
All we can do is—

Be longer
Taller than the trees
Higher than the
Scratchers of the sky—
Scraping my knees
On clouds gone grey
Needing is beneath me
So instead I’ll say

You make me happier than
Dogs on the subway
I know we won’t
Speed underground the whole day

I still sharpen my eyes
Every time we are riding above
And when I come back to black
You’re sat beside me still
Track Name: Ruby Ladder
We can mutilate together, dear
Start slow, nibble on my ear
Bite down too hard
Let the river run out

Bite down too hard
Let the river run out

I’ve writ
The headers on my arms
Bodied my rotting
Just to prove past harm

Conclusions are above us now
So run-on, I’ll

Let the river come

You suck some skin
Lick my cheat
Little do you know
Of how I lick the rest

Climb atop my highest shelf
With the little ruby ladder
On my arms
Till you smell blood

Blood

We can mutilate together, dear
Start slow nibble on my ear
Bite down too hard
Let the river run out

Let’s mutilate

I know your teeth don’t match
My sordid fangs
So every time they click
I’m picking apart the
Hopeful hand

And maybe I am fucking myself
The more I love; the more I hurt
Till I can only smell blood

Blood

But we can mutilate together, dear
Start slow nibble on my ear
Bite down too hard
Let the river run out

Let’s mutilate

You ain’t climbing up
And I can never explain
Breaking my heart
Just to spell my name

Weapons out
Armour down
Let’s mutilate
Track Name: The Scary
Looking hot
With my head off
Fancy— I can speak softly
Love me harder in the summertime
Your choice till I am your need

With knees on the hardwood
Curl lip, skip the fist
Kiss crowns
We’re loving the ways 
I lay you down

With knees on the hardwood
Curl lip, skip the fist
Kiss crowns
Love me as I’m not now

Fuck my flame
When it’s dead smoke
Fancy me with my halo low-key
Love me harder under moonlight
God bless, I’m your devil tonight!

With knees on the hardwood
Curl lip, skip the fist
Kiss crowns
We’re loving the ways 
I lay you down

With knees on the hardwood
Curl lip, skip the fist
Kiss crowns
Love me as I’m not now

He loves
To watch me
Climbing out that quarry

He loves
Anointing me
The scary!

He loves my fiend
When it’s preened
On his supreme silver leash
Track Name: Frequent Flyer
I’ll never be your
Frequent flyer!
Praying I would die first
In freaky fires!

Never would get a chance
To be your world

I have a mistletoe
Dangle from my knife
I’ll be sipping propane
While I christen you “My light”

My bitter, tinder tongue
May litter, leave you as a runt
I’ll hold the gun

You can climb on top of me
To emulate my height
The pedestal I’ll put you on
Is really for the sights

Of my crosshairs
Baby, I don’t play fair
I just play long

So you can call me crazy
And I may play along
The cages here don’t faze me
I’m just here to get done
Until “The One” is gone

I’ll never be your
Frequent flyer!
Praying I would die first
In freaky fires!

Never would get a chance
To be your world

I will never behave
In the beehive
Special in the centre
But sweeter on the side—

Lines, sucker
I have traced yours
framed In chalk

You can speak in silver tongue
But I will hear the rust
Paint yourself a saint
Weigh your gold encrusted bust

But, being brusque
A lust and nut was easy
Not the trust
That shut between us

So you can call me crazy
And I may play along
The cages here don’t faze me
I’m just here to get done
Until “The One” is gone

Pardon me, if I forget to genuflect to death
Apologies expect of me
But rarely hit your breath

So when I’m up and looking scary
Better believe you are my quarry

And I’m not your…
Track Name: You Are (I'm Not the Joke)
Off the springboard stratosphere
Our movement measured in years
You become my favourite word
I follow you between your ears

There we meet
Upon the yellow fields
Though the space light
Bathes our heels
I heal on every teardrop
Drops out another heavy fear

And suddenly

I’m not the joke you are

So we swim at the speed of love
‘Till my mercy is enough
(It’s enough!)
To carry us
Across that sea

I see my shames at the bottom
My lovers at the bottom
But they’re so far from me!

Off the springboard stratosphere
Our movement measured in years
You become my favourite word
Followed you between your ears

To the springboard stratosphere
Diving head first ne’er so clear
What a welcome suicide!
Slide above death by your side

And the differences
Kiss and hold together
The abyss is a pen pal
Folding letters

I get it
I get it

I’m not the joke you are
I’m not the joke you are
We’re not so far apart
We are each other’s stars

So let’s go to the dog park!
Say “Yes” and we will go far!
Track Name: Harpies
Not debonair in this dwell
No holier for hiding
I know better now
I know better

Dead dogs don’t roll over
Swum hearts sink no slower
I know better now
I know better

Hated my heart’s beat
Earthbound, I had cut my feet
But I know better now
I know better

Never could be finished with it
I was stood still, collecting commas
Never would outgrow
the land where I am the fauna

So see me crawl into the sky
I will learn to keep alight
Perhaps gasp through teeth
But I will learn to keep a light

Till I
I am a harpy
All is beneath me
I am a harpy

I am above my blame
I am of proud mistakes
Yet all is beneath me
Among the harpies

There is power in my horror
Sugar in my misery
Jewellery, the love shed
Purities are pedigrees

But not the power in my horror
The sugar in my misery
Jewelled with the love shed
Carved into my head

And I am a raining flame!
Mother of hurricanes!
I am a golden death!
Fathered my own last breath!

I am a blacked out sun
Shadowing everyone!
I will not hurt me
Among the harpies

I am almighty

I will not hurt me

I will love me most
Track Name: Fetch & Fletch
“Trauma has some quiet symptoms”
That’s what my counsellor said
And you don’t know you’re living with them
Until you’re fucking dead, I guess

So maybe I am

No one’s sat still at the finish line
Just waiting for me to pull up
And some have said that means
I’ve got a lot of time
Leaves me wondering

For what?

'Cause if I shut my eyes
For another five
I will disappear at the drop
Of my dime-sized heart

Wage a pyrrhic war
Just to fatten up the score
And in you, confiding
All the lives I have lived before

I’ve gotten old

So I will fetch my bones
While I fletch arrows
That I’ll shoot at myself
Just to feel a little less alone

You can drop by
Stick an apple in my eye
Or a flame in my heart
While I prep for your departure

That’s just how it goes
How it rows, how I roll
Grown in the smoke
Sporting shrapnel blown

That’s just how it goes
How I rose, how I roll
Parse apart myself
Decorate my woes

I’m fettered; the feathers
Though golden are no better
Just a heavier bird
Sizing up the stormy weather

So, whatever